Choosing your Crazy

*transcript generated by AI

morning.

Thanks for joining us today.

I got to practice being human so many times.

It’s quite delightful.

Yeah, I found my favorite was clicking the wrong button to start the meeting this morning.

You know, and then watching myself go, Oh, man, nobody’s here.

Mom said she was coming.

Can she not find the link even though it’s right on the website?

Gosh.

Oh, wait, man, you’re an idiot.

So that’s particularly delightful, right?

So it’s always good to look for moments like that when we can feel ourselves be selves.

Right?

Because when we can feel ourselves being a self, and we don’t have to take ourselves very seriously, because we know it’s insane.

And if we can laugh at our own insanity, then it loses its grip on us.

And when it loses its grip on us, then we get to really make choices about what type of insanity we’re going to bring into the world.

So we can bring an insanity that’s full of love and integrity, and passion and desire and a sincere hope for the well being of all humanity and altruism and kindness.

Now people generally prefer that we bring that kind of insanity forward.

But we can also choose to bring other forms of insanity forward.

Perfectly fine.

There may be days where the insanity that you need to bring forward is full of rage and righteous indignation and difficult phone calls and a capacity to hold people accountable and to cut.

This is another kind of insanity that has a lot of value.

There are other forms of insanity that we like to bring forward like when we like to let our inner child that made decisions about things like however many years ago continue to make decisions for us today.

That’s the kind of insanity that we generally frown upon, right?

That’s the one that we’re typically here trying to not do, you know, but you’re going to do it anyway.

Because you don’t know all the decisions your child made.

So you don’t know when you’re making a childish decision and when you’re making a grownup decision, until you stop and look and see whether or not that’s the insanity that you want to bring forward.

And so the first step is always a moment of man, I’m fucking crazy.

That’s always the first step.

Because it’s from this place, this place where we get to step into a love of life, into the joy of being alive, into the joy of having the capacity to be insane, that we get to start making choices.

And that’s the ultimate power.

That’s when we regain our sobriety.

That’s when we claim the aspect of it, which is divine, which means that we are a proactive creator of our reality, instead of an animal responding to life circumstances in order to survive.

That’s the shift.

That’s the moment.

And in honor and respect for the last call, where I said today would be focused more on practice methodology, and idea of a zero point or an infinite spaciousness and what do you do and when new people come in, you know, telling them to focus really hard and do the concentration practice feels really bad because they suck at it.

But everyone can be told to just like just sit and then everyone feels like they’re super good at meditating, right?

And then they want to come back because they got to sit there and daydream for a half hour and they feel really happy.

Yeah.

And so it’s like, well, what’s the what’s the role of our practice?

Like, what are we doing?

You know, so on one hand, skillful means, right?

If somebody comes in and like, man, concentration is really hard for me, I’ve never had to concentrate in my entire life, except for when I was like, demanded to buy a school project, and I hated it.

Right?

Well, then you say, you know what, how about you just sit there?

You know, just just sit there.

Just relax.

There’s no rules here.

This is then you don’t have rules.

And then one day they realize, but you do in a ritual form.

That’s the exact same every time and you bow a certain way every time when you mean you don’t have rules.

Clearly, you have lots of rules.

Oh, yeah, that’s true.

You do.

You have lots of rules.

And there’s actually really strict rules on how you meditate to.

Well, what are those?

You don’t let your mind wander.

You cut off your internal narrative by saying no, stay here now.

That sounds so harsh.

Yeah, it is.

Because the mind that wanders is a fucking idiot.

Right?

And so we want to be a different kind of insanity.

We want to be the insanity that gets to show up in the world on purpose as a divine creator calling forward truth and love and integrity.

And how do we do that?

And this lineage we penetrate and abide.

That’s Jimbo’s language.

It’s very much not an accurate translation of the original term that has a lot of Jimbo quality to it.

But seriously, his teaching here is actually really remarkable because the original term in Japanese is kika onza.

And in Chinese, it’s huijia wenzu.

And what these four characters mean is to return home and warmly abide, return home and warmly abide, which is a beautiful idea, right?

We’re out traveling, we’re travelers on the road, we’re lost on the path, or the prodigal son who doesn’t know how rich they are.

All we have to do is get home and realize who we are and all the resources we have available to us.

And then we just get to like, relax and chill out in our favorite place to enjoy our favorite window seat, the comforts of our own bed.

Right?

So this this idea of returning home and warmly abiding really well encapsulates the purpose of meditation.

But what it doesn’t do is it doesn’t bring forward the energy required for returning home for me.

And that’s where Jimbo’s teaching I think really hit it, penetrate, and abide.

Right?

Returning home, like sometimes that’s an ordeal.

Has anyone ever done international travel?

And you get delayed and your flights are canceled.

And all of a sudden you’re renting a car to drive to a different airport to get on another plane that’s also delayed.

So then you’re changing your flight, you’re maxing out your credit card, and you’re bargaining with somebody else to give up their seat, you know, and you’re like stealing people’s identities, and you’re like kicking in doors.

You don’t sleep in the airport in Shanghai for five days, all that kind of stuff, right?

You know, you’re trying not to get your stuff stolen, because it’s creepy, but you need sleep, right?

All that stuff.

Returning home is a process that requires a massive amount of conviction, and a sincere desire to get home.

And a plan that constantly evolves according to your changing circumstances.

Right?

So returning home is not like, you know, you’re out on your patio, and you want to go inside.

When we come to this practice, we’re lost.

I’ve never met anyone who came to Zen already, warmly abiding at home.

If you’re already warmly abiding at home, why would you do this?

And so this is the vehicle that allows us to get home.

And it brings brings the brings the I will get home.

I will get home.

I will.

Right?

So that I can relax so that I can be safe so that I can live my life as an abider.

Right?

As one who is resting comfortably in the truth that there’s nothing to seek.

We’re infinitely resourced.

We are healthy and hail.

And we get to manifest whatever kind of insanity we so desire, regardless of whatever life has dealt us up to this point.

That’s it.

Thank you.

Managed to leave about 15 ish minutes for discussion.

So whatever was alive, be it related to the talk or not, you’re welcome to bring it forward.

And just because we have the dynamic with online and in person, let’s make sure we open for space for anyone online to speak first.

We’re good now, Michael, we can hear you.

Okay.

So, yeah, I will.

I really like this notion of what the manifesting of our insanity, what that looks like, and rather than being a kind of pure, perfect, well behaved, continually person.

And it’s kind of that allowing things to flow through you and me and allowing that to manifest.

So very provocative, very, you know, take the risk and express yourself.

Is this what you’re suggesting?

To an extent, yeah.

It’s more like, so it’s like, how do we want to show up?

And sometimes we want to show up like a jerk.

Right?

And then we have to have an extra pause in there to just go, is this the insanity that I really want to bring forward?

Right?

Is this really going to shake the web of the cosmos, and the way that I really think is going to be beneficial.

And so there’s a moment in there when we’re really being creators, that we take that into account.

Right?

And sometimes it’s true.

Sometimes it’s exactly going up to somebody who’s been a total for your whole life and being like, these are for you, buddy.

Right?

Because that shakes the web in the way that is necessary.

Right?

And so if we bind ourselves with this insane idea that we always have to be so kind and so forgiving and so loving and suppress our own needs so that other people can feel safe, right?

Then how can we shake the web in the ways that it needs shook?

We can.

And so it is an openness to all of the different ways that humanity manifests itself, and recognizing that they all have value, and then giving us the responsibility to really look and see, okay, I shook the web this way, what did it do?

That seemed like a good thing or not?

If it did, great, that’s a skillful means.

If it didn’t, great, I should probably do something about that.

Right?

And so it’s that kind of reflective process.

But it is definitely an openness to all of our different ways of being.

Yeah, that clarifies it.

It’s just as we were doing the embodiment practice, it’s just allowing that if that energy gets stuck, just somehow let it go.

Yeah.

And find a willing participant who can receive that wisely and effectively and well.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cindy or Robin, anything come up for either of you?

Oh, it’s a lot has come up for me.

I’m not sure if not sure if I really feel like sharing it.

But yeah, oh, a lot in there that I needed to hear and a lot of laughter, a lot of tears and think I’m gonna burn some shit tonight.

Outside of the house, right?

Safe, crazy.

That is the requirement.

A certain amount of a certain amount of responsibility brought to our insanity.

Well, it’s refreshing to know that we don’t have to.

We can acknowledge those unsavory parts of ourselves.

But it’s also good to know that we need to examine that before we act upon it.

And on how we respond to those moments of insanity.

Sometimes you do have to say things that you don’t want to say, or be present in a way that’s unnatural.

So to have difficult conversations.

Instead of putting all this pressure on ourselves, to always respond in kindness is not always appropriate for the situation that we’re going in.

That is what I’m getting out of this conversation.

I would say appropriate is the right word.

But sometimes we have to do the uncomfortable things to make things whole.

That’s what I’m getting.

Like that Instagram t shirt.

Sometimes I do things so we can Oh, yeah, I love the t shirts.

That would be a good t shirt.

Yeah.

We’re all looking at me uncomfortably now.

This is actually kind of funny.

I didn’t plan this.

So my my Dharma talks are never pre scripted or pre decided.

Like I ring the bell and I start talking and so you know, it’s going anyway.

But we’re bailing out we’re just having a going anyway.

But we’re bailing out we’re just having a conversation.

A huge part of his training is me making him deeply uncomfortable repeatedly over and over again and increasingly extreme ways and allowing to learn how to function increasing levels of discomfort and become immune to things like embarrassment and self abdication and, and, you know, deconstructing social mores and you know, all these types of things.

And so it’s interesting that this conversation ended up leading to this point.

Because, yeah, that’s, that’s a huge part of the training relates to be to learn how to be uncomfortable productively.

Most of us are uncomfortable, very unproductively.

So how do you uncomfortable productively?

That’s a really fun experiment.

Well, Dan, what do you have to say about that?

I think Ryan was about to say something.

And I’m sure he shares some wisdom on becoming uncomfortable production.

You know, any training in that at all.

I think my whole mindset, my what’s going on in the back of my head is I’m listening to everything is really the why behind it.

So, you know, if we want to talk about what type of insanity, you know, sometimes it sometimes isn’t that sometimes it does involve like a Hey, but that’s the outward.

This is what I’m focused on.

And behind that is okay, like, am I flipping?

But why is that?

Am I flipping it?

The bird is a reactionary thing?

Is it Hey, whatever you want to say there, as a reactionary thing to something was done?

Or is it Hey, I need to do this because there’s XYZ history there.

And this is me just going, you know, I’m done with you.

I’m done.

I’m not doing it a happening, whatever.

And is it done from a place of malice?

Is it done from a place of healing?

Is it done from a place of, I don’t know, just felt like what I felt like doing in the in the instant.

And if you can figure out where you’re coming from, with each of those actions, even though the outward appearance of that action may not be so pleasant.

The intention behind it may be different than its outward appearance.

And so that’s a big thing for like, I mean, I can recall, you know, an argument, a rather heated argument with my wife, that ended up a little reactionary on my part, and wasn’t handled in the most observant and compassionate of ways.

And I look at that, like, oh, yeah, you you botched that one.

That’s the nicest way I have to put that.

The Scottish part of me wants to use a different word.

But then you look at that and you’re like, you know what, no, I definitely that was not, nope, that was not me at my finest moment.

Okay, well, sorry.

And then you look back at that and go, why did I react that way?

Obviously, there were other people in the vehicle.

So it was embarrassment.

Plus, it was, hey, why are we doing this right now?

And it was the whole thing.

So sometimes the outward reaction, like in the moment, like, well, yeah, that just came out.

Can’t take that back.

Okay, well, let’s work on it.

Let’s have a different conversation.

You know, apologies were stated and like, hey, yeah, won’t be doing that again.

Sorry.

And then you move on.

But you learn from it.

That’s the key.

And you know, definitely should have taken a deeper breath before I opened my fat mouth.

Here we are.

So I think you can apply that same thing to anything.

Like, are we gonna have a nice, easy conversation?

Cool.

We’re gonna have a rather difficult conversation.

I’m going to cut you off completely.

For x, y, z reason, it may not be done maliciously.

It may be done as a hey, we tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried.

This is not working.

So I no longer need you in my life.

Sorry, I made the effort effort was not returned.

Separate ways are bad.

And so I mean, if you want to talk, being productively uncomfortable.

I don’t know, it’s, it’s, there’s not really a really a training manual for that.

And the only the only training manual for that is experience.

And you just get put in increasingly more uncomfortable situation, like whatever that uncomfortable situation may be.

Like, it doesn’t have to be something like, you don’t have to write a unicycle and friggin to do through the middle of town, juggling, whatever, and singing Mary Poppins.

Like that’s not super fun.

I would do a heartbeat not even remotely.

Let’s let’s start next to open doors.

I have no shit.

Can’t write a unicycle, but we’ll figure it out.

But you take that same thing and you put it into whatever the situation happens to be, what makes you uncomfortable as a person?

They’re like, what makes you uncomfortable?

Is it public speaking?

Okay, go speak in public?

Is it?

Hey, I don’t deal well with really difficult conversations.

Hey, guess what?

Go have one.

Guess what?

It’s gonna suck.

You’re gonna be uncomfortable.

That’s the point.

Being productive while uncomfortable doesn’t ease the uncomfortable part.

The uncomfortable part doesn’t go away.

That’s still there.

Doesn’t matter how many times you do it.

The uncomfortable part is still there.

The point is, without facing those uncomfortable situations, you end up stagnant because you go, oh, that makes me uncomfortable and I’m not having that.

And then you just don’t do it.

Because you go, oh, I’m scared to do it because it makes me uncomfortable.

I’m not having it.

Nope.

You can’t make any foreign progress at that point.

So go do the hard thing once and go, well, that’s suck.

That made me super uncomfortable.

But I did the hard thing once.

So once you do the hard thing once, it’s a little easier the next time.

And then a little easier the next time.

It’s still uncomfortable.

And it still sucks.

But yeah, that’s my preaching.

There you go.

I’m gonna wrap that up real quick with two ideas to just feed into your psyche for the week.

All right.

Not involving Brian and a tutu on a unicycle.

So one is there’s a wonderful phrase in Chinese, which means that which is difficult, is that what you cannot yet do, that what you can do is not difficult.

And it points us exactly to the cycle of being willing to do things that are hard, because once we can do them, they aren’t hard anymore.

And so the invitation to practice and live our lives this way.

The second thing is, sometimes when we’re shaking the web, it’s not necessarily because it’s what we need.

Sometimes we have the space to look at the world and say the world needs this behavior from me.

And that can be a very different paradigm by which you make your decision making process.

So sometimes it’s helpful to flip it.

This is how I would like to be in a situation.

But really, what the world needs is this from me, what can I give to the world?

And so both of those things, both directions are important to consider, especially when we’re making big decisions or big shifts in our behavior or anything like that, both directions, right?

Because both are true.

So go ahead, noodle on that.

And for now we are complete with our Dharma discussion.

As always, it’s a great delight to be with everyone.