Radical Acceptance: Loving All Parts of Ourselves in the Journey to Liberation

*transcript generated by AI

Good morning, lovely, lovely day for practice, which is kind of a wasteful thing to say because if we ever thought it was otherwise, then we shouldn’t be here.

The thing that came up to me today was actually inspired by a conversation I was having with Zen Shin.

I think it’s kind of important in terms of making our Zen practice practical, and it’s also really challenging.

It’s one of the things that I’m aware that most people here struggle with.

It’s probably like the number one thing that happens in our lives, and probably the number one thing that drives us to practice is a form, to some degree, of a disassociative phenomenon.

And what I mean by that is that all of us, to varying degrees, have split personalities.

And that’s actually a really delightful thing to just name.

Like, we all a little bit crazy.

And the practical ramifications for this disassociative phenomenon, which I’ll talk a little bit more in detail, is that we engage in a lot of self-sabotage.

And we call it self-sabotage because the part of us that wants to live our lives a certain way is the self we identify with, and to varying degrees, we align with that image or we don’t align with that image.

But whether we do align with that image or not, we claim that image as the me.

And so we call it self-sabotage when we don’t act in alignment with that idealized image of who we want to be in the world.

But it’s not really self-sabotage.

It’s just that you’re inhabiting a different personality than the one that you would like to inhabit.

And in extreme cases, these personalities have no knowledge of each other, and you flip back and forth, and the world experiences you as insane.

Most of us aren’t quite at that level of disassociation.

And in fact, we are able to put a veneer on that allows people to experience us as a person who has ups and downs, a person who’s sometimes really sweet and sometimes not so sweet, a person who can be a great contributor, sometimes a person who’s really selfish, whatever that might be for us.

But we smooth it out enough that we convince ourselves and others we’re not actually crazy.

So what I like about our path is an absolute commitment to radical acceptance and just naming things what they are.

And so part of how that can really help in terms of a Buddhist psychological framework and the introspective inquiry is that we can actually, when we’re really willing to look, when we’re really willing to accept the idea that everything that I’m doing in the world is because some part of me wants to do it, and when I’m doing that thing, it’s because I want to.

It’s just flat out because I want to.

Then we can actually start to create a clearer picture of the different personalities that live within us, because fundamentally there is no person.

And seeing through that is essential to the Buddha Dharma.

You are not a person.

You cannot, according to Buddha Dharma, you cannot be a coherent individual.

That is insane because there is no self.

There is no self essence.

There are simply moments of life arising.

Sometimes life arises as a selfish, conceited, manipulative sociopath.

Okay, great.

Radically accept that so that you can be with it accordingly.

And sometimes you manifest precisely as the Buddha.

You are wise and compassionate and skillful and measured, non-reactive, attuned to the oneness of the situation of personal and collective karma.

You are this, too.

Just because you want to be a certain way all the time doesn’t mean you actually are, and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with when you’re not.

If you do want to happen, if you are committed to the path, and you do want to be a Buddha all the time, then there is a critical step in the journey.

And that critical step in the journey is naming, owning, and loving the other parts of you.

For me, most of you probably don’t know, but the manipulative self-centered sociopath who can be extraordinarily violent and sexually perverted and all of these types of things, that’s one of my personalities.

I like that guy.

His name is Balthier.

We’ve had a lot of dialogue.

He’s come to me in various astral forms as a Viking berserker.

I’ve witnessed his death as he engaged in war crimes and was murdered by a European knight.

Whether this is just psychological fancy and delusions, it doesn’t really matter.

We don’t put any metaphysical connotation on these psychological experiences.

We just say that this is a psychological experience, and then we go, what does it mean for how I live my life?

Up until the point that I was willing to accept that there was a part of me that thrived in manipulation and violence and sexual perversion, I could not have a dialogue with that part.

And so I would disassociate.

I would say, no, I’m a sweet guy.

I really want to be nice.

I want to be in a strong monogamous relationship.

I want to do these things.

I don’t want to enjoy pornography, let alone the dark, twisted pornography that I found myself watching.

That’s not me.

I don’t really like that.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I can’t control my behavior, blah, blah, blah.

All of these things that we say when we witness ourselves doing things that we wish we weren’t doing.

And so I sat in the cushion and I actually embodied in a safe container.

I allowed myself to fully adopt that personality.

I learned a name for it.

I learned how it felt in my body.

My whole nervous system changed.

My whole base changed.

Like the whole feeling of being in this body was radically different.

It was filled with rage and hatred and possession.

And when I was in that body, oh, it felt good.

It felt so good.

And in an instant, after decades of dealing with this, but in an instant, in an instant, it became clear.

How come when I would get on a bus, I could visualize myself going through and using my martial arts skills to slaughter everyone on that bus and actually find it to be a pleasant visual experience?

How?

If I’m dedicated to love and compassion, then how come I could have dreams like that?

How come I could have daydreams like that?

How come I could fantasize about that and get like aroused by the violence?

What the fuck?

Right.

But stopping and really allowing that person, that collection of patterns to manifest in my body, to be given a name, to be recognized as an authentic part of who I am, the Mars energy, the Gilra energy, the domineering persona, right?

Allowed it to take on its role because it was no longer suppressed or oppressed.

I was not afraid of it.

Right.

It’s scary.

My whole point being that if we really want to become whole and if we really want to touch into life essence as it is, and to be able to manifest Buddha as an ongoing process, then we need to recognize that when we are doing something that’s not that, it’s because there’s a part of us that really wants that.

It’s a part of us that really wants to be that way.

And the sooner we can become intimate with that energy, the sooner we can hold it and love it and include it, the sooner we can come into the right relationship, the sooner we can go, hey, you know what?

We’re not going to use that energy right now.

We’ll find you your outlets that are safe and healthy and our integrity with the rest of the parts.

Right.

But we’re not going to let you drive the bus while I try and lie to myself and convince myself that I don’t really want these things, that I don’t want to be like that, that that’s not who I am.

And so I’m reminded of Huy Nguyen who said, in any moment where we manifest as Buddha, we are Buddha.

Any moment we manifest malice and hatred, we are a demon.

You are.

That’s OK. And if you own it and you make it OK, then you have the opportunity to exert some agency.

But as long as we disown it, as long as we make it not OK, we are giving up our agency.

And so radical acceptance is at the central point of being able to individuate and to harmonize all the different energies that course through us as useful parts of life so that we can manifest as a skillful bodhisattva.

Bodhisattva, of course, being one who is awakened and thus serves other beings.

Remember that in this context, I would never talk about a bodhisattva as somebody who just aspires to alleviate suffering and others.

A bodhisattva is not an engaged Buddhist.

A bodhisattva is somebody who experiences liberation for themselves and then acts as liberation in the world, thereby showing other people what liberation looks like so that they can do it.

To me, bodhisattva is a step beyond Buddha.

You have to be Buddha before you can be bodhisattva.

There are some other nuances there as well.

Thank you very much for listening to today’s topic.

A little bit of time for Q&A and dialogue, and I’d like to pitch an idea to the sangha.

So in about five minutes, I’ll stop it to throw that out there.

The floor is open.

Hey, Umi.

I think I saw that character from your past a few weeks ago when I was in Iceland and Norway.

So, you know, I’d embrace it and keep moving forward.

There’s always hope that we can do the bodhisattva, but I appreciate your fluidity and dynamics and understanding that we all F up.

So good call.

Thanks.

I’m in.

Thank you.

Look forward to hearing more about you.

You bet.

Yeah, thank you for bringing up this topic today.

And yes, it can be definitely scary to check in with those parts, which are very, or at least for me, very destructive.

Yeah, having a safe container for that might be the best opportunity.

And thank you for sharing your vulnerability with that and allowing us to learn from you.

Thank you.

Safe container strongly recommended.

I really appreciate this talk.

As for the first time in my adult life, I have the space to fully explore what this being is and recognizing there’s a lot of dark twisted shit in here.

And I used to think that needed to be suppressed and hidden and not something that I liked.

I do fucking like it.

But, but learning how to not blow up my life with it.

While at the same time honoring it and expressing that energy.

That’s one hell of a project.

And I appreciate the having a safe space to be able to explore and discuss these things.

The one thing that I’ve realized and what I’ve been doing, and I have not in any way come to terms with this yet, is that I kind of got caught up from the very beginning and believing that all the negative emotions that I have, negative reactions, I’m not supposed to have them because they don’t align with the teachings.

And so I either come down on myself, old habit, or try to smother them, bad habit.

So, yeah.

It’s just giving myself permission to be pissed off.

Really.

I do believe that was Umi.

Oh yeah.

No, I think I would just say I believe that was Umi that did it.

Yes, it was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Somewhere along the line I got.

This was all supposed to be open hearted and skillful means and so all of that didn’t fit in the structure that I built that I understood the practice to be.

I’ll leave it there.

That is such a common trap.

That is such a common trap.

And people who find out that we’re Buddhists will try to use it on us to manipulate our behavior.

Aren’t you a Zen guy?

Aren’t you supposed to be chill?

Fuck you.

Right.

Like I won’t punch you in the mouth.

Right.

And part of that is like, you can’t be open hearted, and then cut something out.

Those are mutually exclusive positions.

So to be open hearted is to love rage.

To be open hearted is to acknowledge, accept and appreciate all aspects of life.

And this is a difficult journey.

In a certain way, it’s much easier to follow dualistic traditions that say there is good and there is evil and all you have to do is pick good over and over and over again.

That’s not our.

It’s easier to have a sense of direction, and those frameworks, right, this is a much more fluid and difficult overall perspective.

I’m not going to start getting on that.

But yes, I’m glad that that’s breaking down, Marie.

Beautiful.

Man, what an interesting topic.

And whether or not you’re willing to admit to yourself that they’re there or to anyone else for that matter, let alone yourself.

Everyone has those facets.

Everyone has walked into a room and went.

They kill everybody in here.

And this is exactly how I do it.

You and then you and then you and then you and then you and then this and then I walk out.

But I look at it.

I came from looking at things from a very military spending years of my life.

Multiple combat zones, multiple combat tours, multiple instances of.

Man, you wouldn’t believe what a human being is capable of unless you like until you see it firsthand or until you’re a part of it firsthand and you’re the person that goes, well.

You don’t exist anymore.

Done.

And then you have to sit with that for a while and go, does that make me a terrible person?

Is that, you know, now my doom to whatever else?

Because I just decided that that living creature is no longer a thing.

Did I enjoy it?

No, not necessarily.

Is it part of a job?

Did I volunteer to join to go to do the thing?

Yes.

Is it?

I think it’s a matter of all of those like dark parts.

Nobody wants to talk about that.

Everybody has.

I think the difference between being a functional, I guess, member of a civilized society and anarchists is the fact that you can recognize those ago.

Okay.

Well, you know, that’s an impulse.

That’s an urge.

Probably shouldn’t do that.

And it’s the probably shouldn’t do that.

That like, that’s your key.

If you don’t have that probably shouldn’t do that.

You’re going to end up either in jail or, you know, what happened.

But it’s the same for nervous, whether or not it’s violence or whatever sexual thing that happens to be or whatever.

However you want to manifest it.

It’s can you recognize that it exists and then do you have some form of control over it?

And if you have some form of control over it, even if it’s frigging fingertips, okay, fine.

We’ll work with that.

It’s not having that ability to go, I should maybe pump the brakes on this a tad, that that becomes a problem.

And then, you know, the same thing.

There’s nothing wrong with saying like, hey, this is pretty good and twisted.

Am I into it?

Yeah.

Like, yeah.

Does it make, but then looking at it and go, does that make me a horrible human being?

Also, no.

So, I don’t know.

I’m leaving here and this afternoon is, you know, the moving wall is local here.

For a warmer one, I’ll spend my afternoon there.

Just kind of sitting and everything that that entails, how many thousands of names are on that wall.

All of the acts that were committed in both directions there that make them evil people.

No.

So, it’s an interesting, there was like an old Japanese proverb that I’m probably going to butcher because I usually do.

Was that everyone has three faces.

You know, one they show to the world, one they show to their close family, and one that they might show to themselves.

So, you spend a bit more time looking at that one that you might show to yourself.

Every facet that it has, the only thing that can come out of that is a positive and a positive being a better understanding of yourself.

Even if some of those things are a tad hard to admit.

And that’s, that moment is the moment where we start to truly be able to live on purpose.

Right.

Because as long as we don’t see that space, as long as we don’t own and recognize that, then it will live through us.

And we will wonder, where did that come from?

Right.

You know, and that’s what we don’t want.

That’s what we don’t want.

I routinely tell my kids, I don’t really care what you do, as long as you can tell me why you did it.

Okay.

And that you chose to.

So, if you did it on purpose and you had a reason, we might have to talk about it.

We might have to talk about your choices.

We might have to talk about your rationale here.

But it’s fine.

Right.

I believe that if we have those two qualities, I chose what I did for this reason, then the rest of it kind of doesn’t matter.

Until we look at impact and blah, blah, blah, blah, and then it starts to matter again.

But anyway, that gets complicated.

So, yeah.

Rich discussion.

Self-realization.

That’s what it is.

And actualization and authorship.